Measuring Sticks

Wise parents understand that we should not "compare" one child to another.  However, wise parents also watch, listen and learn from other wise parents and sometimes we can fall into a trap.  Sometimes we can take the measuring stick that others use for their children to measure our own children.  

I've been caught in this trap.  

While there are important child rearing principles which should be taught to all children:  honesty, obedience, respect, hard work, kindness;  we must be careful to appropriately choose the expectations we set upon each child.  When inappropriate expectations are placed upon a child, both the child and the parent will become discouraged.  This is especially true for children with unique or "special" needs.  I've seen this at home with my children, and in working with other children through teaching in school and church settings.

-When I see my friend's child come the first time she is called.....and I have to give a 5 minute, 3 minute, and 1 minute warning to transition to dinner or bedtime or the grocery store.....;  I sometimes wonder, "What am I doing wrong?" "Why does my child not respond like other children?"


-When I hear my friend's child accept correction without responding with a self loathing rage;  I sometimes wonder, "Why can't my child be teachable?" OR "Am I not building my child's self esteem enough?"


-When I children easily wear socks, puts their shoes and church clothes on happily and gets in the car for church without crying; I sometimes wonder "Why do we have the same battle week after week and how does this child end up walking the church halls barefoot?"

Finding the appropriate measuring stick becomes particularly tricky when you have more than one child.  I remember telling my mom that it was not fair that she punished me differently than my brother.  My mom was wise.  She tried to teach my brothers and me the same lessons of life, but she realize that she needed to apply a different measuring stick to each of us.  My brothers and I are different people.  We have different strengths and have had different experiences in our adult years, but as children we each felt loved and valued for the child we were, because my parents worked hard to set individual expectations for each of us.


So, how do we set our own measuring sticks?


Parents with special needs children need to abandon the idea that their child should be measured against typical developing children.  Most often, a parent of a special needs child will find more comfort and validation (as well as strategies for working with that child) from the pages of a book specifically addressing their child's needs, than from talking to a neighbor they may admire as a parent....unless that neighbor has a child with similar struggles.  I have found trusted recommendations for such books from the websites of support foundations for my children's disorders.


And when you realize that your child and your life will never look or be typical then you will cry tears, dry them, and resolve to find appropriate expectations which will challenge but not frustrate your child and yourself.